I couldn’t understand why she kept insisting it was a choice. And it’s Alan Chambers’ fault.
Turns out, there’s another thing Alan Chambers can add to his sincere list of apologies. Exodus Ministries’ reparative therapy to “pray the gay away” has been such a loud voice for so long, they’re distorted logic even for those who never thought it was anything more than nonsense in the first place. Not only is this idea hurtful and harmful to real people, this nasty notion has warped the debate for both sides so much that we spoke right past each other.
The person I was arguing with kept infuriatingly insisting that homosexuality is a choice. What kind of nonsense was this? It’s the third millennium for heaven’s sake; who, outside of Exodus Ministries even believes this sort of thing any more? (Well, now, not even Exodus does!) Back and forth we went: “when did you choose to be straight?” I interrogated. “They choose to have sex with people of the same gender!” she retorted, “and it’s against God’s law!”
There’s a good chance you’re getting riled up too, hearing the same old argument played out over and over again. What I am here to tell you is that this isn’t the argument you think you’re having. Alan Chambers, the apologetic ex-president of Exodus International, the United State’s largest, probably oldest ex-gay ministries, is happily married. He’s no longer living the lie, for he’s now admitted that he retains same-sex attraction.
With his admission, this brave man has done much to fix a rather absurd argument between gay right’s advocates and Christian fundamentalists. The outcome may not be very satisfying for either side, but it’s a much more honest discussion. What I missed in my frustrating debate was what the choice we’re talking about really was.
Now, let’s be honest, thanks to these abhorrent ex-gay ministries, both sides of this discussion have been mislead. Emboldened by ex-gay propaganda, Christians (and, many other religious groups as well) have insisted that people choose this path of life and they can choose a different path.
Meanwhile, the gay-advocates have trotted out scientific evidence that homosexuality is not some sort of salacious lifestyle that people are attracted to. Instead it’s genetically programmed preference and no amount of prayer or wishful thinking will take it way.
Unfortunately, there absolutely is a choice, it’s just not a fair one. Homosexuals can choose not to have sex. That’s it. No sex for gays. At least not with someone they desire. Ever. Sure, it’s not a choice that even the celibate make with great success. It’s not the kind of choice that many anti-homosexual bigots would be up to the challenge of making themselves (pre-marital sex is against God’s will, but few manage to keep apart before marriage). But sex, if not your preference for whom, is a choice. So much for romance, and even the eHarmony, God’s partner plan. For gay’s, God has deemed they shall have joyless sex if any at all.
The argument that few Christians knew they were making should go something like this: If you believe that God’s love is more important than anything in this world. If you believe that a life free of as much sin you can manage is the only way to honor that love and be by His side for eternity then isn’t giving up sex worth it? Some suffering now vs. a lake of fire forever? Passing on sex in trade for an eternity with your savior? Easy choice!
Gay-advocates rarely considered that this was choice being argued about. I know I didn’t. But, Alan Chambers has been living this life, a gay man as president of an ex-gay ministry, because, he was able to make this choice. And his wife, was willing to make that it with him. You can mock and joke about how many straight sexless marriages there are; that maybe they weren’t giving up too much, but Mr. Chambers could be simply ranking his salvation higher than his sexual gratification. Sure, he was being a hateful bastard for putting this on everyone else, but surely in his pursuit of joyless sex, he’s entitled to his view.
Now that Mr. Chambers is out. Now that he admits how horrible and damaging Exodus International and other such ministries have been, we can finally get past this silly argument about choosing to be gay. Unfortunately, the real discussion is far from over. Many interpret the Bible (or Qu’ran) as warning that having homosexual sex is sinful, Well, being gay doesn’t force you to have sex any more than being straight ensures that every pick-up line will end in bed. It’s the having sex part that’s a choice, not your preferences. If you choose to have sex in accordance with your actual preferences, well, that’d be a sin.
Most of us learned while we were young that sometimes you have to put off instant gratification for greater joy later. The fundamentalist argument against homosexual sex comes down to demanding gays to put off their whole life, just in case they’re right about their interpretation of the Bible and what happens at death. I understand this position better now. It’s a mean spirited prohibition on one of the simplest, yet most meaningful forms of human contact and bonding, but hey, they’re just trying to save an eternal soul. That makes it all better, doesn’t it?